Four Part Harmony
by treneka
Summary: Various and sundry exceptionally short works collected and together bound. Warning: drabbles, AU's, and possibly even poetry ahead. Rated for language at the moment.
1. Unexpected

a/n: Well, this will be a catchall place for drabbles and other incredibly short fictions I write for Saiyuki. Their subject matter, rating, and genre can be expected to vary greatly from one to the next. They are in no way related to each other, except that they are short. There will be language, out-of-characterness, Mary Sues (or at least parodies) and no explanations. Anyway, you have been warned. This first one requires some knowledge of Reload (Hazel and Gato).

**Unexpected**

It was just after five in the morning when Gojyo crept back into the room. He tried to be quiet, but felt far too horrible to do a good job of it. His head ached, his eyes ached, his spine felt like nine miles of bad road. The hint of dawn in the sky was already too bright, and the fresh morning air tasted foetid in his smoke-and-sleep tainted mouth. In short, it was a perfectly wretched morning. But it was about to get worse.

"Getting back a little late, aren't you?" Hakkai was already up. Of course Hakkai was already up. And dressed. And smiling that you-made-me-worry-so-now-I'm-going-to-make-you-pay smile. "I take it the lady was transcendent?"

"She was okay," he grumbled, throwing himself onto his as-yet-unused bed.

"Drank a little too much, did you?" Did he have to sound so cheerful? Gojyo pulled the pillow out from under his head and planted it over his eyes.

"What do you think?" Not that he really wanted to know. What he wanted was for Hakkai to do the honorable thing and either stop talking or just kill him now and be done with it.

"You don't usually stay out this late, though. What were you doing all that time?" There was never a gun when you needed one. Although at the moment, Gojyo really wasn't sure if he'd rather shoot Hakkai or himself. He sat up, abandoning the pillow and his hope of recuperation, and stared Hakkai in the eye.

"I fell asleep at her place, okay? I guess I was a bit more tired that I thought and we had a good time and I'd had a few too many and I just fell asleep!" The yelling made his head hurt, but it satisfied his soul. "Jeez, Hakkai, will you let me suffer in peace already? I wasn't expecting some sort of Spanish Inquisition!"

Just at that moment, the door opened again, and two surprised gazes shot to the madly grinning priest framed in the doorway. "NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!" yelled Hazel gleefully. He leapt into the room with startling energy as Hakkai smiled sickly in utter bewilderment and Gojyo's eyes all but crossed at the insanity. Gato followed Hazel in, looking somewhat reluctant, and carrying a cushion and a comfy chair.

"Sorry about this," the tall man murmured, but Hazel was already raving about the nature of his chief weapons. It was going to be a very long day.

-ende-


	2. Four Part Harmony

a/n: This is an experiment with a writing style somewhere between poetry and prose. It is generally meant to be used as a method of summarizing/outlining larger works, but I thought I'd just leave it be. This is not at all serious and not terribly well developed, but I had fun with it.

**Four Part Harmony**

"Wow!" Goku was excited.

"Oh yeah!" Gojyo was... pleased.

"What. The. Fuck." Sanzo, not surprisingly, was decidedly less than happy.

"I think he's just going through a phase," offered Hakkai with a placating wave of his hands.

---

"I got some!" Goku smiled as he attached two large saddlebags.

"They had three," Hakkai apologized, passing out mis-matched helmets.

"Abso-fucking-lutely not," Sanzo all but hissed, and glared at the kappa.

"But we've got to look the part," grinned Gojyo, holding out an armful of tight leather jackets, bandannas and trousers with fringe.

---

"This isn't so bad..." Hakkai made the best of it.

"It's actually kinda nice." Gojyo squeezed his friend's waist.

"I'm going to kill you," Sanzo growled from the sidecar.

"But your knees are so bony..." Goku complained as he wriggled and tried to get comfortable in the glaring monk's lap.

---

"They've gotten so quiet..." Hakkai's voice sounded nervous.

"They're sleeping. It's cute." Gojyo murmured in his ear.

"I can hear you," the monk threatened, his violet eyes opening.

"ZZZ," snored the monkey, but his Sun let him sleep.

---

"I could get used to this," purred the kappa, still holding the driver.

"I'm huuuungry!" The stone-child was whining again.

THWACK Sanzo hit him, and felt a bit better.

"I believe I just swallowed a bug," choked the healer and he coughed over the handle-bars while Gojyo tried to keep them balanced and on course.

---

"We made it," Hakkai announced, releasing the hand-grips.

"DINNER!" yelled Goku, and leaped from his seat.

"WATCH YOUR FUCKING FEET!" Sanzo gasped, as his groin screamed in pain.

"Huh," Gojyo sighed and reluctantly climbed off the bike, hand pausing a moment on the warm leather seat.

_-Next Morning-_

"Woo Hoo!" screamed Goku – Jeep had done it again.

"Oh dear..." Hakkai said, not quite sorry but looking to Sanzo.

"Fuck me," the monk swore, and shook his head disbelieving.

"Good Boy," whispered Gojyo, who grinned at the dragon... er, Jeep.... er, motorcycle, and hid the copy of Chopper Monthly in the waistband of his jeans. "I'll read you more stories tonight..."

**-ende- **


	3. Public Service Announcement

a/n: I blame Optimoose's dreams for this. All hail the mighty Moose!

**Public Service Announcement**

The Sanzo Ikkou Crisis Counseling and Wellness center now offers something for everyone. Our staff is skilled in all forms of crisis intervention and on-site therapy. Programs include:

Combat Stress Relief: learn to deal with all of life's stressful situations in this one-hour, no-holds-barred, martial arts based session. Our expert instructor is guaranteed to give you the work-out of your life, stimulating mood-correcting levels of adrenaline and endorphins. Body armor and lunch are provided free of charge.

Sex, Drugs, and Rock-n-Roll: coping strategies for the children of abusive parents - and anyone else having trouble with problem people in their lives. With over twenty-two years' experience, our counsellor can provide absolutely frank and practical advice on how to turn angst into addictions and addictions into profitable careers. Private evening sessions available.

Intensive Anger Management: how not to let life's little catastrophes drive you into a murderous rage. Learn the secrets of total emotional suppression and how to funnel your anger into useful tasks like sewing, cooking and childcare. Our dedicated therapist will cheerfully guide you into a more productive life with skillfully prepared pamphlets, handouts, and demonstrations. Limiter requirements assessed on a case-by-case basis.

Death Therapy: It's a guaranteed cure.


	4. Vengeance

a/n: A ficlet I wrote a while back for Karotsamused. This is a bit of a tribute to her "Breakroom" story – which, if you've not read it, you should. ;)

**Vengeance**

Somewhere, there is a scream like a five-year-old girl.

Hakkai looks up from his novel's quiet company to see glistening skin and dripping hair and a frantic dance of shampoo suds. He's not certain whether amusement or alarm is more appropriate, but a smile covers all eventualities.

"Getitoffme! GetitoffMEEEEE!"

And it seems there _is_ an insect just between Gojyo's shoulder blades. Chitinous feet are disappearing into crimson hair. It must be scared. Hakkai relents.

"Hold still." Gojyo probably can't see him through all the soap in his eyes, but he freezes rabbit-like in hope. "There. All gone."

"Thanks, man. I would have squashed it, but I know how you feel about bugs." It's true, Hakkai usually saves them, but they both know it's how Gojyo feels about bugs that sent him leaping panicked from the shower. Ah well. No harm done. Almost.

"You're dripping on the carpet," the de facto housekeeper of the group remarks pointedly. The culprit manages to look apologetic as he stumbles blindly back to his ablutions.

In his hand, Hakkai feels Gojyo's nemesis wriggle. He takes a peek. Strange. There's never been a centipede here before. He closes his hand, holds the creature for one debating moment.

Then Gonou crushes the life from it.


	5. Cardinal Sins

a/n: Wrote this as part of my Hobbit's Birthday Party for a lovely lady called Kintail, who simply adores the dragon. In any case, thought it would be fun over here too. ) Gaiden fic.

**Cardinal Sins **

_Between incarnations..._

"I cannot live with this shame." The Dragon of the Western Sea is mortified, but has yet to find his weapons to achieve any ritual suicide. The Marshal does not do sympathy well. He smiles.

"Well, that's true enough. On some level of thinking, we are dead, after all." He lights up a cigarette to cloud the melodrama. The dragon won't meet his eyes.

"But I was a mere tool! A vehicle, little better than an oxcart." Only Goujun could take it that seriously. Tenpou smirks and the dragon continues. "I was mindless, and useless in a fight."

Tenpou finds his superior's rigid posture amusing, but nods politely.

"I hunted squirrels in the forest like a common dog."

"A bit more like an owl?" the Marshal offers. His comment is ignored.

"I ate scraps from your table and rode your shoulder." No sinner in confessional ever spoke with such dismay.

"At least the view was good." No priest ever teased so much.

Finally, the dragon takes a deep breath and gets to the horrific heart of the matter.

"I _slept_ with you," he whispers, agonized, "_every night for more than a decade._"

Tenpou laughs almost inaudibly, then schools his face and places a deliberately gentle hand on his former pet's arm. He insinuates himself into Goujun's field of vision, stealing his gaze, and feigning perfect sincerity, replies.

"But at least you almost never stole the covers, _sir._"


	6. Not Quite Jake and Elwood

_a/n:_ This is the first in a series of three movie crossover/parodies I wrote a while back after an inspiring discussion with K.A. Rose (who is one hell of a writer herself, btw: if you like reincarnation fiction, you must go find her story _E equals mc squared_)

**Not Quite Jake and Elwood**

"It's 2300 miles to India," Gojyo answered Goku, as the monkey settled in beside him in the unfamiliar back seat of the Jeep. He seriously doubted the kid had ever been more than a couple of hundred miles from Chang-an.

"We do have a full tank of gas," assured Hakkai, earning a strange look from Gojyo, since as far as the latter knew, Hakuryuu's tank gage never read anything but 'full.' He shifted in his seat a little more, before remembering the cigarettes in his back pocket. Retrieving them to relocate the pack somewhere less crushing, he sighed.

"Only half a pack..." he commented mournfully, earning a sympathetic, or more likely evilly amused, look from the driver. Beside him, the kid was rubbernecking, even though they had yet to start the engine on this little road trip.

"It's dark," Goku decided, although he was looking more in the direction of the monastery than at the stars or dawn-bereft surroundings.

"And we're wearing sunglasses," Hakkai smiled, earning a groan from Gojyo, a confused look from the kid, and the quirk of an eyebrow from the monk, their 'fearless leader,' who had finally emerged from the temple gates.

Sanzo climbed into the passenger seat, pulling his robes and belonging-laden sleeves into an acceptable arrangement. He folded his arms across his chest and glared through the windshield.

"From here on out, we're on a mission from God," he announced, decidedly unenthusiastic at the prospect.

Gojyo gave up and laughed out loud, and Hakkai turned on the engine to cover the noise. It was going to be a very interesting journey.


	7. Houtojou Strikes Back

_a/n:_ A second movie parody/crossover.

**Houtojou Strikes Back**

"Come with me to the dark side, and together we can rule," the man in the lab coat offered, matter-of-factly. Sanzo looked at him over the bleeding stump of his own right hand.

"Why the hell would I want to do that?" he gritted out from between clenched teeth, looking for an escape and wondering for the hundredth time why Houtojou had such a huge ventilation shaft in such a weird location. Of all the stupid places to have a fight with the heretical sanzo...

"Well for one, I have local anesthetic and medical knowledge you could really use at the moment," he leaned against a guardrail, tucking his omnipresent bunny under one arm to more easily light up a fresh cigarette. "For two, I'm your father."

"Bullshit!" Sanzo swore, trying to decide if he could use the Maten Sutra on this guy. That bunny was just creepy. Well, and his right hand had been holding the revo- er, his blaster, so his options were kinda limited.

"No, seriously: I'm your father. Koumyou told me he'd met my kid, and he was too stoned to be lying..." but Nii's habitual smirk had slipped a little. Sanzo rolled his eyes.

"You're _Hakkai's_ father, asshole." He curled his fingers around the tail end of the sutra and began remembering the summoning. "Just look at him and a mirror sometime, if you want proof."

Nii's eyes widened at this information and his gaze flickered momentarily towards the door - just enough time for his opponent to call down some Holy Buddhist Whup-Ass... or rather, _The Force_ (tm), and flee angrily down the shaft.


	8. The Last Raiders of the Temple of

_a/n:_ And last but not least, my personal favorite of this series.

**The Last Raiders of the Temple of... Chaos?**

Sanzo adjusted the leather fedora on his head. Sure, it was a little impractical down here in this ancient tomb with spiderwebs and rock formations threatening to pull it off every five minutes, but it was part of his image - practically a badge of office - and he was damned if he'd take it off now. Besides, his hat-hair was probably terrible.

Behind him, the redhead screamed (for the nintieth time since they'd come down here) and clutched his arm. Damned annoying that. Put the redhead in a bar brawl, a street fight, a car chase, he was fine, but one or two (thousand) bugs, and the guy just couldn't stop shrieking like some little girl. Of course, the fact that he was now using the "panicked clutch" of Sanzo's arm as a staging ground for wandering hands wasn't helping. The redhead had no shame. Sanzo figured if he died down here, ole Red would probably be seducing the crazy, monocled Nazi who'd been chasing them before his own corpse was cold.

He shrugged off the arms, and moved boldly down the corridor, kicking aside ancient corpses and giant insects alike. He was Sanzo: bloody and dirty and hot and far too cool to be bothered by any of that. Red screamed perfunctorily at some of the more gruesome sights, but had once again fallen slightly behind - probably for a better view of Sanzo's ass. The priest - er, _archaeologist_ - ignored him like just another fanatical cult member, and made his way to the far chamber and the stone pillars surrounding the idol on the altar.

The idol was rather lame, as idols went. Only the eyes looked to be made of gold - well, that and the crown. The rest was a dead weight of skin and bone and Sanzo didn't look forward to having to drag it out of this damn tomb. Red might finally come in handy, being if nothing else, an extra pair of hands.

Examining the stone pillars, Sanzo found the symbol he was looking for and pressed. For once all went as planned, and the pillars sank grudgingly into the floor with the sort of ancient creaking, grinding noise one expected in these circumstances. Sanzo was about to breathe a sigh of relief, when he looked over just in time to see Red, typically greedy, gingerly pulling the golden crown off the idol.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing!" he yelled, even as the golden irises suddenly narrowed to slits and the idol's sweetly stupid expression twisted into something monstrous enough to fit the patron god of an ancient death cult. Red looked from the crown to the idol, before taking off back the way they'd come. It figured he'd know he only had to outrun Sanzo to buy himself some time.

The pri- er, _archaeologist_ had no choice but to run after his unwanted partner, mere meters ahead of the grinning idol. He had the distinct impression Red was almost happy with the situation, and he wondered if the guy had been in it with the Nazi since the beginning. Oh well, no use worrying about that now. He drew his trusty revolver in preparation for the worst, and hoped the damn hat wouldn't fall off during the chase.

At least this time there hadn't been any snakes.


End file.
